Never go to Croke Park in the middle of a nervous breakdown…….
You know that old saying don’t you? Surely your mother has told you this?
The first time I had a serious panic attack was on Hill 16 at the All Ireland Club final. I honestly thought I was having a full-blown heart attack and was going to die. It didn’t help that I was surrounded by what can only be described as men who evolution forgot. I couldn’t move. I was so dizzy I thought the whole stadium was spinning around me. One of the fellas beside says “Jaysus I think this young fella is going drop dead”
So did I.
Of course I didn’t and some nice young lady from Galway took me aside, calmed me down and told me I was only having a panic attack. And that’s when I first became aware of it. Since then I have learned how to control them and even make a laugh of them but when they happen they are still as scary as hell.
Since then I’ve turned into two people. One I love but am scared of. One I hate but understand.
Theres this little dude who lives in constant depression and anxiety but is well aware that the world can be cruel and why bother putting yourself through it. Take the easy option and opt out when you can. Be scared. Stay at home. Be afraid of everything. Don’t get involved.
Then there’s this crazy dude who want to try everything do everything and fuck the consequences. He’s the narcissist. He doesn’t care. He will try anything twice. Hes confident with a side of dickhead.
The trouble being finding a balance between the two. And in the last while “shy fucked up” dude is winning.
I hate that.
I didn’t want the other dude to win either.
But I really hate the shy fucked up dude.
Hey I suppose it’s a work in progress but its been in progress a little too long for me.
I grow tired.
Anyway what can you do……one side or the other will win out I suppose.
I know. First world problems.The Borg will take over anyway.
Resistance is futile.